How NOT To Insult A Priest

I don't know. Calling a priest "PIG-SUCK!" isn't really a zinger of an insult. That's like calling him a badger-molestor. It just lacks a certain oomph.

From Hellboy: Wake The Devil tpb by Mike Mignola.

All Vader Needs Is Love

Here is Lunch Break, a whimsical tale by John Adams, collected in Star Wars Tales vol. 4 (the bestest Star Wars comic series evar so of course it didn't sell. There are 6 volumes total. Collect them all).

Anyway, a couple of off-duty Imperial Stormtroopers are secretly reading Darth Vader's diary which one of the troopers managed to snatch from Vader's personal quarters. Excerpts:

(click on panels for Death Star size)

All he wanted, it seemed, was to be loved. But it's hard to make people love you when you can choke them long distance. Dressing in an all black getup all the time and wearing a helmet with a creepy skull motif also gives a message to others that you're a no nonsense kinda guy.

Anyway, Vader discovers his diary is missing and calls all the Stormtroopers for an emergency assembly. The two troopers who have been reading the diary try to play it cool:



Yup, that trooper is so dead.

Good Comics Not Many People Read: Scarlet Traces: The Great Game (Dark Horse, 2007)

Last week I reviewed a very good but little known graphic novel called Scalet Traces which was a sequel to H.G. Wells' classic invaders-from-Mars novel, The War of the Worlds. Then Ian Edginton and D'Israeli wrote a second sequel, Scarlet Traces: The Great Game.

I call it a sequel but like Scarlet Traces, The Great Game can also be read as a self contained book by itself without any knowledge of the prior graphic novel (or even the source novel that inspired it). At the end of Scarlet Traces, the truth about the missing girls is revealed and the last page shows the British government launching an invasion fleet on Mars and you could have stopped at that cliffhanger and you would have read a very good, albeit depressing, story.

The Great Game takes the reader about 40 years after the events from the first book. British troops are still on Mars and still fighting. The news is always rosy: Our boys are vanquishing the Martians, brave Commonwealth troops captures vital Martian stronghold, yada yada yada. Meanwhile, back on Earth, Britain is gradually turning fascistic with tight controls over the press and freedom of speech. All in the name of security, you understnd. They even locked up Eric Blair (George Orwell's real name). Yes, I thought that was a nice nod to 1984 as well.

But like the first book, there is also something far more sinister going on that isn't very clear at first. By the end of the story the reader may not be so quick to condemn the politicians. Without spoiling anything, suffice it to say that the Martians were not totally defeated in H.G. Wells' book. That was just an advance force. The rest of them are still on Mars. They have learned their lesson and came up with Plan B on how to colonise Earth. Unfortunately, no one on Earth knows about it because the politicians are keeping that under wraps. Why? Well, that would be telling. Go read the book and find out.

The Great Game has the same nice excellent quality that made Scarlet Traces such a pleasure to read. The plot moves along nicely and the artwork is amazing. It also has a lot more in-jokes within its pages, though you would only notice it if you were a fan of British comics and shows like Dan Dare, Dr. Who and Thunderbirds.

If you like to read about old-school adventure stories in space, you can't go wrong with Scarlet Traces: The Great Game. Make sure you read Scarlet Traces as well. Edginton and D'Israeli also adapted Wells' prose novel into a graphic novel but I never read that one so I can't comment on it. Oh, just get all three and have a rollicking good time. Makes a change from reading Batman. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Good Comics Not Many People Read: Scarlet Traces (Dark Horse, 2003)

What happened after the events in H.G. Wells's The War of the Worlds? The Martians have been defeated, Britain is victorious. So then what happened? That is the premise of Scarlet Traces, a comic book sequel to Wells' seminal work.

10 years have passed after the doomed Martian invasion and England has prospered, thanks to the alien technology that the British have exploited. Spoils of war and all that. But not all is well. While England has advanced with an industrial revolution powered by Martian knowledge, Scotland has been under martial law with government troops disptached there to quell any resistance by any means necessary. The other worldly technology has meant that one machine can do the work of a hundred men and that has resulted in unemployment and massive resentment amongst the people.

In the middle of all this, our protagonist Major Robert Autumn is thrown into a mystery when his valet's brother (a Scots) has been arrested in London for trespassing in an abandoned government building. He claims to be looking for his daughter who came down to London answering a job advertisement and was never seen or heard from again. And she wasn't the only one. It seems many young women from the impoverished North have answered the same advertisement and travelled down to London only to suffer the same fate. Major Autumn, feeling left out in a world moving too fast into the future for his taste, eagerly takes up the challenge to solve this mystery and I'm not spoiling anything when I say it won't end well for some people.

I was a bit sceptical at first when I found out that this book was a sequel to a classic novel. These kind of sequels never turn out to be good, never mind the fact this version was done in a sequential art form. It's still a sequel not written by the original author. I was afraid it was going to end up like that Gone With the Wind sequel that no one talks about nowadays. I'm glad I was wrong.

The mystery moves along at a brisk pace and since the Martian invasion plays a major part of the story, you know those pesky aliens are involved in this somehow. Ian Edginton has pulled off a miracle by writing a sequel to a classic novel that did not suck. D'israeli's art is beautiful eye candy especially when it comes to the futuristic cityscape of Victorian London. It did make me stop and wonder whether they could have achieve all this within 10 years of accidentally defeating the Martians. Mastering a new piece of technology is one thing, mastering an alien technology within 10 years during the Victorian-era is incredible. Then I realise it's just a comic book, so screw logic!

Scarlet Traces is one of those books that flew under a lot of comic book aficionado's radar when it came out 6 years ago but if you like to read a darn good story, this book should be right up your alley.

It's O.K. To Hurt Gorillas When They're Nazis

Context: Hellboy has been captured by a Nazi scientist and has left Hellboy in the "care" of a cyborg Nazi ape. Nazi ape has been torturing Hellboy with electrical shocks when somebody switched off the supply. Nazi ape knows what's coming next...

Hellboy takes down a cyborg Nazi ape while mouthing off the sound effect himself. It's like that Onomotopeia guy in Kevin Smith's Batman story. Aw, go look him up yourself. Hellboy: Conqueror Worm, written and drawn by Mike Mignola is just all kinds of awesome!!

The Conqueror Worm trade is still widely available or you can just wait a while, save some cash and wait for the oversized hardcover 'Library' edition coming soon next year. The Volume 1 is already out. So is Volume 2. Every discerning fan of comics needs to have these babies in their collection. After all, volume 3 will have Hellboy punching a Nazi Gorilla in huge, huge panels! Also, a guy named Lobster Johnson craps in his pants when he has to shoot a horde of the undead in a derelict Nazi castle.

A question all of us wish we could ask at least once in our lifetimes.

Friday Night Fights: Ladies Night Round 11 - Impressive, Most Impessive.

I've been lax with my Friday Night Fights lately. Would you believe I had trouble finding really good female contenders? But I got a good one tonight!

I present to you, Princess Leia Organa-Solo (nee Skywalker).

Latent Jedi powers + her father's temper + a lightsaber = somebody's gonna get his hand chopped off.

From 'The Other' by Jason Hall & John McCrea collected in Star Wars Tales vol. 4 (Dark Horse, 2004)

Herbie Goes to the Devil (Herbie Archives, Dark Horse Books, 2008)

There's this new hardcover comic book going around. Well, it's new to me. Herbie Archives features a 1960s comic starring a sleepy-eyed, overweight, lollipop sucking boy with superpowers and it's probably one of the most fun comic I've read this year. It's so surreal I love it. Let's look at one of Herbie's adventures, shall we?

Herbie Popnecker tangles with Satan. Does he win? Do you really need to ask?




All is not well at the Popnecker's. Dad just lost his job and mom thinks Herbie can help them by getting a job himself. Seriously? Herbie? Look at him. Dude's enjoying his lollipops while lazing around in a hammock. Silly mom.



Meanwhile, down in Hell, Satan's accountant has some bad news for his boss. Hell isn't getting enough souls. People must have been very good back in the '60s. So Satan throws a dart at a map of the USA and comes up with a name: Herbie Popnecker.


"Uh-Huh. And you're the devil." Nothing fazes Herbie, not even a horned red-skinned man in a cape.

So Satan tells Herbie that he (Satan) has been getting some bad press for the past million years. He's a nice guy actually and to prove it Satan gives Herbie a free sample of his powers. He makes Herbie into a movie star, no strings attached. That didn't go too well, though. Herbie is transported to the set of Cleopatra with Elizabeth Taylor but instead of making out with her, as per the script, Herbie prefers to suck his lollipop.

Then he remembers his recently unemployed father:



One dubious contract signing later:

Missiles plant? Mom Popnecker=Republican. But no, the business is a lollipop factory which is akin to giving Auric Goldfinger the keys to Fort Knox and telling him to help himself. And Herbie does. He does nothing else but suck 'pops at his dad's factory. Until the day arrived when Satan came to collect. So what does Herbie do? Goes to Hell quietly and instigate a strike!

Can't have the imps of Hell on strike. Who will run the furnaces? Satan is so frustrated that he rips out the contract for Herbie's soul and tells him to get out of Hell. But what about dad's lollipop factory? Won't that be gone now?


Well, all's well that ends well. Even Satan can't get the better of Herbie Popnecker.


(From Herbie Archives vol. 1 from Dark Horse, a book every comic book fan should have in their collection. Because I say so)

Sith Lord Smackdown: Maul Doesn't Know When To Quit

Aww, you gotta be kidding me! Those were the first words that came to my mind when I first flipped through Star Wars Visionaries. SWV was a showcase book for Lucas' ILM dawgs to tell their own Star Wars stories and charge the kids USD$17.95 for the privilege. The first story, "Old Wounds", featured a cyborg Darth Maul on the hunt for Obi-Wan Kenobi. A cyborg Maul. Seriously? No back story was given on how the hell he crawled out of the pit in Theed and managed to get himself a robotic lower body. Like this story here where Maul takes on Vader, the how is really not important. A Darth Maul story is a guaranteed fanwank material.

Cyborg Maul never forgot that he got pwned by a Padawan. A Padawan! Maul may have looked scary and had a cool lighsaber but the fact remains that a trainee Jedi who was already hanging by his fingertips managed to jump over him and cut him in half. So now he wants revenge and he's not gonna let a small detail like a missing lower torso stop him. Now that's determination! Maul follows a trail that leads him to a small moisture farm in Tatooine.

(click and drag to enlarge)

Whoa, Obi-Wan was hiding under the Tatooine desert sand all this time waiting to ambush Maul? Age has not diminished his bad-assedness. Sith Lord and Jedi Master fight for a couple of pages for old times' sake but it's Uncle Owen who jumps in and finishes it once and for all with a blaster shot to the head. You don't mess with a moisture farmer, pal. These guys take no shit from nobody!


Getting cut in half by a Padawan was bad enough, now he gets bushwhacked by a farmer? Oh, the shame. All the other dead Sith Lords are gonna pick on Maul in Sith Hell for eternity now.

Sith Lord Smackdown: Vader vs. Maul

C'mon! Who is the fan who didn't want to see this duel? You lie, sir, if you raised your hand. It's a fight that only the comics can bring. It's Darth "Iron Lung" Vader vs. Darth "my voice was dubbed by Sean's mate in the movie Sean of the Dead*" Maul.

Star Wars comics mostly suck. A few others blow. They take themselves way too seriously, is the problem. The only ones that are okay are the old Marvel Star Wars comics (which were so bad the dial went around and ended up in 'Good') and the anthology based Star Wars Tales. It was in the latter title that this fight occurred.

The plot: Darth Vader is on the hunt for the rebels who stole the plans to the Death Star. The trail leads him to the volcanic planet of Kalakar VI. While searching for the rebels and the plans, however, Vader discovers that it was all a ruse to lure him onto the planet by a trio of Dark Side fanboys who think Vader shouldn't be the no. 2 guy in the galaxy. They want Maul to take over. They brought him back from the dead so he can kill Vader and once again be Palpatine's apprentice.

With that out of the way, let's see some lightsaber action!

(click and drag mouse to enlarge)

Maul easily subdues Vader who is after all just a paraplegic in a cool black costume with a cape. Choke an Admiral long distance and he's a tough guy. Put him one on one with a tattooed psycho with thorns on his head and he's crying for his mommy. But Vader has one desperate move up his robotic sleeve, though.

(again, click and drag mouse to enlarge)

Hey, didn't Yoshimitsu use the same trick move in Tekken 2? And Vader, we learn, has so much self-loathing that he has no problems stabbing himself in the gut just to win a fight. Issues? The man has plenty.


From Star Wars Tales vol. 3

*Pete Serafinovich who was also in the brilliant sitcom Spaced as Simon Pegg's rival.

Sith Dickery

Sith are mean dudes. They'll kill you if you so much look at them sideways and they could do it long distance as well, like what happened to that Admiral in Empire Strikes Back. They look cool though with that black hooded cloak they wear no matter which planet they're on. For a secret society hiding from the Jedi Order, they sure like to advertise themselves. But yeah, they're mean bastards.

Also, they live by the "There can only be two" rule. One master and one apprentice at any one time. If someone else wants to join the little group, he/she has to kill either one of them.

Oh, snap!

See, total bastardry. Not even a courtesy, "What the hell did you do to my apprentice, bitch?"



Scans from 'The Apprentice' collected in Star Wars Tales vol. 5

Look, Ma! No Nipples!

To all you Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanboys out there, here's the upcoming cover to issue 9 of the comic featuring Faith.

Is she on fire? Or is she just burning her clothes? That's one way to draw a naked lady sans nipples, I suppose. Nice way of pleasing the over-sexed fanboy and the censors, for they are many. Don't forget to order ten copies.